Dear Friends and Family,
With nine days left to go pick up this sweet little angel, we received a devastating call this afternoon. Our son, Noah Watchman Dean went to be with Jesus. We never got to hold our son, never got to cuddle, or squeeze his sweet cheeks. But he was totally part of our family. He was our 4th son. It was official, we signed the papers. We were his Mom and Dad. He was Josh's "little squishy". The boys couldn't wait to wrestle with him. Luke was waiting to play "men" (little figures) with him. He has clothes, a highchair, a bed, a plane ticket, a bouncy seat, formula ready to go, and a family that was counting down the days to finally embrace our little fellow.
Whenever I look at his picture, more than anything I wanted to rescue him from that plastic mattress. So cold, and ugly. To think he has spent the last 15 months of his life there makes me cringe. I wanted to kiss the scar on his forehead because I know that no one ever did. I wanted to caress his little deformed ear like it was perfectly made in his mother's womb. I wanted to be his Mommy. Thankfully even though I will never be able to hold my son I will always be able to call him my son. I have the papers to prove it.
Yesterday on our Jesse Tree, the ornament we opened was of Noah's Ark. We looked at it with great anticipation thinking about our trip to get our Noah. Todays ornament was a Ram, symbolizing the story of Abraham and Isaac and that God would provide. Today we are trusting him for his provision. When I told Josh this he said, "Momma, I can't give Noah up." That's how we all feel right now. For my birthday Matt bought me a Christmas ornament that said "Everlasting Father" to commemorate our special Christmas this year. Little did I know that it will always remind me of who is holding our little one.
We will probably not receive any information about his death, we will not receive a death certificate, or know what will happen to his little body. All of this so hard to take in, so unsettling. Mainly, because his life was of great value to us. He is our son. Matt and I have talked, that when we first heard of his special needs we were a bit overwhelmed and didn't know how we could handle them all. But as the days went by we were filled with peace that no matter how he came to us, he was ours and that we would do whatever we needed to do. Today, we would give anything, pay anything to have this baby in our home for just a second. You see, the worth of something depends on how much one is willing to pay. Caleb this afternoon said "I wish I could die, so that Noah could live." He was a valuable part of our family. Matt is without words, grieving and broken over this loss.
We know, and we take great hope in our Everlasting Father. He has healed Noah's ear. He is hearing perfectly the sounds of heaven. He is no longer hungry or malnourished. His little lip and palate are perfect. He is fully alive with the Father. He will never be cold again. He will never be alone, never be forsaken, never hurt alone again.
Thank you for praying for us. Pray for our family as we grieve. Pray for us as we leave next week to get Anna Grace. It's like having twins. We are excited and grieving at the same time. It feels like we are on a roller coaster.
We have friends that have endured this same loss, only from Ethiopia as they were preparing travel to pick up their son Brighton. They have been a great source of comfort to us. Tonight the dad said, "It makes me smile to think of a little Chinese boy named Noah and a little Ethiopian boy named Brighton running around heaven playing with each other."
The Lord has a special place in his heart for little ones like these -
For all the Dean family,