Tuesday, December 06, 2011

Noah Watchman Dean

Dear Friends and Family,
With nine days left to go pick up this sweet little angel, we received a devastating call this afternoon. Our son, Noah Watchman Dean went to be with Jesus. We never got to hold our son, never got to cuddle, or squeeze his sweet cheeks. But he was totally part of our family. He was our 4th son. It was official, we signed the papers. We were his Mom and Dad.  He was Josh's "little squishy". The boys couldn't wait to wrestle with him. Luke was waiting to play "men" (little figures) with him. He has clothes, a highchair, a bed, a plane ticket, a bouncy seat, formula ready to go, and a family that was counting down the days to finally embrace our little fellow.

Whenever I look at his picture, more than anything I wanted to rescue him from that plastic mattress. So cold, and ugly. To think he has spent the last 15 months of his life there makes me cringe. I wanted to kiss the scar on his forehead because I know that no one ever did. I wanted to caress his little deformed ear like it was perfectly made in his mother's womb. I wanted to be his Mommy. Thankfully even though I will never be able to hold my son I will always be able to call him my son. I have the papers to prove it.
Yesterday on our Jesse Tree, the ornament we opened was of Noah's Ark. We looked at it with great anticipation thinking about our trip to get our Noah. Todays ornament was a Ram, symbolizing the story of Abraham and Isaac and that God would provide. Today we are trusting him for his provision. When I told Josh this he said, "Momma, I can't give Noah up." That's how we all feel right now. For my birthday Matt bought me a Christmas ornament that said "Everlasting Father" to commemorate our special Christmas this year. Little did I know that it will always remind me of who is holding our little one.
We will probably not receive any information about his death, we will not receive a death certificate, or know what will happen to his little body. All of this so hard to take in, so unsettling. Mainly, because his life was of great value to us. He is our son. Matt and I have talked,  that when we first heard of his special needs we were a bit overwhelmed and didn't know how we could handle them all. But as the days went by we were filled with peace that no matter how he came to us, he was ours and that we would do whatever we needed to do. Today, we would give anything, pay anything to have this baby in our home for just a second. You see, the worth of something depends on how much one is willing to pay. Caleb this afternoon said "I wish I could die, so that Noah could live." He was a valuable part of our family. Matt is without words, grieving and broken over this loss.  
We know, and we take great hope in our Everlasting Father. He has healed Noah's ear. He is hearing perfectly the sounds of heaven.  He is no longer hungry or malnourished. His little lip and palate are perfect. He is fully alive with the Father. He will never be cold again. He will never be alone, never be forsaken, never hurt alone again.
Thank you for praying for us. Pray for our family as we grieve. Pray for us as we leave next week to get Anna Grace. It's like having twins. We are excited and grieving at the same time. It feels like we are on a roller coaster.
We have friends that have endured this same loss, only from Ethiopia as they were preparing travel to pick up their son Brighton. They have been a great source of comfort to us. Tonight the dad said, "It makes me smile to think of a little Chinese boy named Noah and a little Ethiopian boy named Brighton running around heaven playing with each other."
The Lord has a special place in his heart for little ones like these -  
For all the Dean family,    


Bryson Vogeltanz said...

Matt and April:
Our hearts grieve with you. We can not even imagine all the heartache you all for feeling. We are standing with you and praying for you and the kids. Please let us know if there is anything we can do.

Praying comfort and peace over you as you seek Jesus in these difficult days.

Bryson and Emily Vogeltanz

Gabriel said...

May the Comforter be present and may He, Who is the ONLY faithful One, do exactly what He does perfectly. Jesus is close, and He is prepared for and loves the Dean's.

Vicky said...

I am deeply grieved over your loss of Noah. Praying for your family!

emily v. said...

Bryson and I are grieving with you and praying over you. Having walked the adoption road I can not imagine how much your hearts hurt tonight. Love you guys and praying for you and celebrating the life of baby Noah.

emily v.

emily v. said...

Bryson and I are grieving with you and praying over you. Having walked the adoption road I can not imagine how much your hearts hurt tonight. Love you guys and praying for you and celebrating the life of baby Noah.

emily v.

*worshippersheart* said...

The LORD of all peace will comfort you as you grieve Noah's passing, reminding you that He is rejoicing in heaven with our Everlasting Father! As a former 'orphan' myself (with both of my parents deceased), I can firmly say that God's Spirit of adoption is real - He has just taken Noah home, and He has given you and Matt as his parents while he was here on this earth. I rejoice over eternity spent with the Father, and even more with the family holding Anna Grace in a few more days!
You have love, thoughts and prayers from me and Josef! <3

Keri Anne Parker said...

praying for all you guys. love ya'll so much!

Keri Anne Parker said...

we are praying for the dean family tonight. love you guys.

Taylor said...

Praying for you guys.

Hannah Elisabeth said...

My heart breaks for you guys, but rejoices in Noah's complete healing. I attend Echo and I know the Echo family will be grieving with you guys. You are loved & cared for in these days ahead.

Will and Jana said...

Matt and April, Will and I praying for you. Praying that the comfort of His Sovereignty will touch your family. We love you! He is ALWAYS faithful!

Ericka B. Jackson said...

Oh friends... there are no words. Just know that I am crying with you, grieving with you, and at the same time rejoicing that he is with Jesus and that you WILL meet him someday. Someday you WILL embrace him, someday Josh & Caleb & Luke will play with him - someday, on the other side of eternity, he will meet his Mom & Dad.

Love you guys so much - please let us know if there is anything we can do! Praying the God of all comfort and peace is holding you close right now.

Debbie said...

Matt & April,
A friend sent me to your blog. We are so sorry for your loss. I wish there was something more we could do for you. We are praying for your family as you grieve, and also praying for your family as you rejoice the addition of your precious daughter.

Denise said...

Praying for your family and peace during this loss. I feel certain that Jesus filled little Noah in on how much he is loved and how special his family is. I can't imagine that feeling. Praying and praising all at once.

Wynelle Kessler said...

My name is Wynelle Kessler, and I received a link on my facebook from a mutual friend about your blog. I am so sorry for your loss! Even though I do not know you personally, I believe that because of Him, who is in us both, we are connected and I grieve with you. I am currently a student at Toccoa Falls College in Toccoa, GA. Not far from you! I am married, have 4 children, and am majoring in Leadership Ministry (I only have 1 semester left, Lord willing!). I was adopted at the age of 1 month, and am also an MK from China (small world!). I think that this also connects us. I just wanted to introduce myself, and to let you know that I am and will be praying for you as you all go through this season of both grief and joy. May our Lord who gives peace that passes understanding and joy incomprehensible, be your Comforter and your Rock. Jesus is our Strong Tower!

Tymm said...

continuing to pray for you guys for peace and comfort that passes understanding - at the same time excited to watch God get some serious glory through this all.

Please know we KNOW. And we are here ready to fight this fight with you til we are all hanging out with Noah, Brighton and Jesus.

God bless you guys.

Joey said...

Matt & April...

I am so so sorry for your loss. I feel awful that I had no idea any of this had happened. I just know about two weeks ago God put you and April on my heart SO strongly... I've been thinking about you and your family for days and days. I'm praying for comfort and peace for you all. I'm praying for incredible joy as you rescue Anna Grace and welcome her into your family. I wish I knew what to you say... I certainly don't understand death and loss and pain like this... but I do know God is faithful. I love you guys.


Anonymous said...

Thank you for loving Noah in your heart for Jesus. Your love for him has touched my heart. Everyone should be loved by parents like you XXOO Shirley in Virginia