I have been sitting in our chair in the corner, a place where April and I both tend to sit and read. This afternoon, I was spending time in prayer, considering, confessing, dreaming, and trying to make sense of what life has for us these days. The biggest thing I can say, is that a cloud has lifted. For whatever reason, walking away from encounter for the sake of what is next in Hong Kong has impacted me personally more than I realized.
I have experienced a sense of disconnect from most things, people, and even God. Most conversations feel very shallow and surface level, which is so exhausting. But today, at our church, God moved in my heart and something is different. There is a sense of direction in my own devotional life I have not known for a while. There are some dreams deep inside that are resurfacing. There are questions I used to ask, that I am starting to ask again. The bottom line, is that I have returned to the Lord. Again, He has rescued me from me.
He never left, but my eyes looked away. He never changed, but my circumstances and work responsibilities have. He never withheld His love for me, but burdened with the what-ifs and unknowns, my heart’s affections for Him faded.
In an honest confession, my passion for Jesus has been hi-jacked by questions without answers and circumstances out of my control. Rather than believe Him to lead me (Isa 42) along paths I have not known, I had resigned to my own sense of loss and relied upon my own (very limited) abilities.
No more. All sin leads to death. Unbelief is sin. Trusting in my own ability is sin. Not loving the Lord, my God, with ALL MY HEART, SOUL, MIND, and STRENGTH is sin. More than anything I want to know Him. I have been believing God for some things, but not everything. Loving God with some, part, or most of me is different than ALL of me.
“My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.” Jeremiah 2:13. Self-reliance and self-sustenance leads to death.
I cannot live (and experience LIFE) without Him. Neither can you. So, in my returning to the Lord today, I simply began to share my need for Him, share my affections for Him, and intentionally say, “Father, I am here – and You can have all of me – and I love You – and I need You.”
I’m writing in my journal, when Josh quietly walks down the stairs, put his head on my knee, and says, “Dad, I just wanted to come down here and tell you that I love you.” That's all it took. A divine appointment. In the flash of a moment, I received from him, there very same joy the Father knows from me, when I simply say – Father I Love You. My son's genuine desire to sit near me is a mirrored imaged of my desire to be with Him. What father rejects the sincere affections of his son? Children are a reward from Him. Psalm 127:3b
Words fall short, but I know what is happening here. It is nothing less than seeing dimly in a mirror, what will be crystal clear for eternity. Grace is at work in our home today. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. I Corinthians 13:12